seeing me
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt uncomfortable whenever someone paid me a compliment. I would feel my body tighten up, as if it were an attempt to contract my physical body to make myself…shrink and disappear. I could never be put in the spotlight, be called out for my strengths and abilities even if I could objectively recognise whenever I did well or exceeded expectations. And it was only until a few months ago that I was made aware, that all this time I struggled with being seen.
In Na’vi culture, as in the Avatar movie, they often express the concept of ‘seeing’ in relation to space and time, and how everything was connected as one whole. But it was especially in the latest movie, Avatar Fire and Ash, where the notion of seeing and the phrase ‘I see you’ was related more to the idea of understanding and recognising the person before you, seeing the other as they are.
In those particular scenes of the movie, it brought me back to certain points in my winter trip to Italy where I had felt small and invisible, triggered by mundane moments with my partner. It was whenever he asked me if I preferred still to sparkling water every time we were dining out (is it so difficult to remember my preference?!?), or when he does not ask me curious questions to know my opinion on the topic of our discussion (does he not care what I think???). It was in such moments where I noticed my inner dialogue spiralling, my head drowning in the words I said to myself (don’t bother, he does not care anyway, if he cared he will remember, if he cared he will ask, etc.etc.etc.), and my heart would be racing as my inner self fought against those words.
And it was only months later that I connected the dots. Whenever my heart was beating rapidly, it was my body’s way of fighting the cage I was putting around myself, the silencing of my own voice, the diminishing of who I really am. It was my inner self shouting back to say “I DO matter! Everything big and small. Why can’t you notice? Don’t you see me?” - ‘you’ is me.
The parallel experience that really solidified this awareness for me was when my recent community project was about to go live. It was set to be installed in a neighbourhood coffeeshop and would last for about nine days. During a peer coaching session, I had brought up conversations I had about increasing publicity for the project, where more marketing efforts were expected from me outside of the usual social media platforms. For some reason, my body was resisting these requests even though logically I knew it will only be a good thing. I soon realise that the resistance was about being seen. Through all the necessary acts of marketing my project, people will get to know my work, my artistic language, my topics of interest, my approach and all that touches my heart. And by publicising about my project, I would literally be exposing myself to the world and that made me feel extremely vulnerable.
But I do very much want to be seen.
Since then something in me rose to the surface where I now have a new regard for my work, my website and this blog I am putting out publicly. While these very tangible outputs serve a personal purpose of consolidating my practice and my thoughts, this digital space is also where many parts of me converge. It is a peep into my brain and my heart through the projects I feature and the reflections I write. It is a revelation of the artist as a person. It is how I want to be known and to be seen by the world.
To be able to see myself (still a work-in-progress) renewed a confidence and inner stability I never knew I had. It did lead me to wondering then about the fine lines between:
Public/publicity
Visible/visibility
Seeing/to be seen
In our external world, these words hold a lot of significance and is often related to the value and worth of ourselves as creators and makers, especially in our art world. How can dissecting these words and their meanings help us to see our artistic selves and our practice with more clarity and authenticity? How can that allow us to be more compassionate and create more freely in a city where art is more output driven and KPI-focused?
